On Waffle House And Porkchop Sandwiches

In New Jersey, they're called diners. In Virginia, they're called Waffle House. I've been to a million diners. I've been to one Waffle House. What's the difference you ask?

NJ: Hash browns

VA: Grits

NJ: The waitresses have fresh stitches.

VA: The waitresses - now with 58% less teeth!

NJ: 2am - diner full of drunken Nicky Newarks bustin' fucks.

VA: 2am - Waffle House full of drunken rednecks bustin' fucks.

NJ: Parking lot full of Camaros.

VA: Parking lot full of pickups.

NJ: Cawfee

VA: Swite Tie (sweet tea for those of you in Minnesota)

NJ: Mandatory rude waitresses who would rather be back in the emergency room getting stitches than serving you cold eggs.

VA: Mandatory jovial waitresses who are just happy they still have 11 teeth.

NJ: Truckdriver at counter drinking black coffee who hasn't shaved in three days.

VA: Truckdriver at counter drinking black coffee who hasn't shaved in three years.

NJ: French fries and brown gravy.

VA: Porkchop fucking sandwiches (I swear to God the jovial, almost toothless waitress asked me if I'd like the bone on the side...I said yes and I'm still not sure why)

NJ: Diners have liquor licenses so you can continue drinking even though at this point you know you shouldn't. Conclusion: Really Stupid.

VA: No liquor licenses for Waffle House so there'll be no a drinking after you've been a drinking all night. Conclusion: Really Smart. (That last sentence should be a country song. $20 to anyone who will write the lyrics for it)

NJ: Diners accept all major credit cards, even that stupid one nobody uses.

VA: Waffle House only accepts civil war currency. (Thanks for picking up the tab, Wind Rider. We owe you one)

NJ: An exquisite light-brown diarrhea the next morning.

VA: An exquisite slightly darker brown diarrhea the next morning (it's the water. It's always the water)

NJ: Marlboro Lights.

VA: Marlboro Extra Heavys.

My point is - we're really not all that different. Some of us may have more stitches or less teeth, eat tasteless mush or a tasty mixture of potatoes and onions, our shit may not look or smell the same, we may not prefer the same model car/truck, smoke the same brand of cigarette, but in the end, we're really all a bunch of drunken, obnoxious assholes looking for a crappy meal late at night served to us by a freshly-stitched, toothless eight time loser who is so pathetic she is actually serving cold runny eggs to the likes of your sorry ass at 2 'o clock in the morning.

There has been animosity between the North and the South for far too long and my hope is that, once and for all, this humble comparison will finally bring us all together.